the world is so beautiful

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New post on my new blog :)

the entire end of april and the entire beginning of may was a very blissful time.  i didn't get very much done at work, but ben and i spent almost every night laughing hysterically and going for long walks and watching our shows.  we had a lot of fun and ate a lot of sweets and i baked a lot.  for some reason, i haven't been able to carry that bliss over into the past few weeks.  we were housesitting with the twins for awhile, and then this week the reality of the end of the school year hit hard.  now i'm trying to grab some balance, and not disappoint ben too much with my rollarcoastering emotions.  here is what is on my mind:

home
packing up our stuff
selling old clothes at the consignment shop
fixing up little things for the moving out inspection
the rising grocery prices
ant control

work
have the legal "cumulative" folders organized correctly for end of year
having all the grades entered into the computer correctly (read: at least 3 different programs)
returning all workbooks, retired materials, and old assessments to the kids
goodbyes to our various reading buddies and school-wide collaborations (class swaps, etc)
packing up my materials and getting them home
social problems for my homeless students and students with bad homelives (they're out all summer!?!?)
legal staffings and conferences to have the kids placed correctly for next year
printing class pictures, mounting them on paper, and writing a personal message to each student on the back
thank you gifts for the mentors and team leaders for at least 4 teams I have been on
thank yous from the kids to the specials teachers and school support staff
TURNING IN THE ENTIRE CHECKLIST AND EXIT INTERVIEW WITH THE NEW PRINCIPAL by Friday the 6th

personal
returning my library books
trying to track food on mypyramid.com
trying to get to my classes at shapes
trying to be playful and fun and attractive and slim and hilarious and precious for my newlywed husband
mailing applications to the jobs in massachusetts, with the added stress of not being able to personally follow up for a few weeks
hunting boxes in grocery and liquor stores obsessively
an etsy addiction
guilt about my move and balancing my marriage and my nuclear family


oh my god i love lists.  i feel so much better already.  i should also note that a lot of these things will have subsided by a week from tomorrow.  until then, it's iced coffees and long walks to get me through.

This weekend really put me through the wringer, but I can't pretend that I'm not glad to see the family, no matter how stressful it can get.  Ben was amazing, driving here, there and everywhere, and standing by my side for the entire weekend.  I spent the night with my sisters on Friday, and was at my mom's everyday.  Grandma was pretty nice about the move (a few comments, but whatever).  Everyone is exhausted.  I'm so glad that everyone is safe and sound, and I love you all.

Last night I applied for a job with the Heifer Project at Overlook Farm in Rutland.  They have a farming day camp that lasts the entire summer, where you're teaching local kids about farming, raising food, helping end poverty and hunger, and sustainability.  The counselor job is really or high school students, or something like that, but I want to farm, I want to work, and I hope I get it.  Even if I don't, I know that there is something nearby that fits my interests.  I'm really excited.

I'm also saving for trips to Europe and Seattle.  Once those things are done, I think it might be time for kids.

Free Iced Coffee day is Thursday!

i've been bumming around so much.  i haven't felt so happy or peaceful in ages.  ben and i are totally clicking, i'm eating lots of yummy food and casually doing yoga.  i'm not able to spend a lot of money right now, but i'm watching tons of old school HGTV househunter type shows that i love.  i'm lazy and round and full of love.  i could probably focus a little harder on work or packing, but i'm pouring my energy into care packages and mother's day presents.

i feel like  need a little more drive, but i figure that i haven't gotten along with ben so well in a very long time, and there's going to be so much stress this summer, that i'm kind of enjoying with water-skeeter kind of freedom.  i'm going to go watch house hunters and digest all these organic cookies i baked.

The reason I stopped blogging about the Massachusetts vacation has to do with the conception of the Massachusetts move.  Through out the course of our one-week trip, Ben and I looked at schools and apartments and decided to move back to Mass.  We're looking at June 15th.  We're pretty serious.

Our trip only ended a week and a half ago, but everything has changed.  Obviously, the first person who needed to be clued in was Mama.  She took it a little worse than I had planned.  Ray was equally quiet.  Emily and Julianna gave a begrudged blessing.  Then it was time to start telling friends and colleagues.  I'm a little bitter, because I think this was much harder on me than Ben.  A plus side of making no connections means you have no one to tell, explain to, and possibly let down when it's time to move on.  A down side of working your ass off to make it work before you choose to move is the fact that you have accumulated friends, plans, and projects to further your career.  Still, there is no doubt in my mind that this was the best move for our family.  It's a time of transition at work, and the perfect ease into the empty nest syndrome for Mama (Em and Ju have one more year before school.)  Still, it's been stressful.

I'm frantically applying to schools in central mass, and Ben has been checking out his options, with a probable return to Cisco being ideal.  We're probably going to be living in an apartment complex in Clinton that we looked at; it's close to friends and equidistant from Ben's family and Laurel at school.  We can be comfortably into Boston in an hour.  It's near our old haunts like the flea market and some of my favorite diners.  It's an easy drive to FSC, where I plan on starting my master's as soon as possible.  Once that's behind us, it's kids and carriages.

Now we're just kind of numbly packing.  I try to bring home something superfluous from the classroom at least every day.  We cleaned out our bureaus and closets tonight, and I'm searching out consignment shops so we can try to find some moving money.  One small drawer a day is my goal.  It's thrilling to think of cutting your worldly possessions in half.  I have a sick desire to accumulate things, then purge them in one fell sweep, then start over.  Moves are perfect purges.  Plus, who can get over that high of a fresh start?  I don't have to worry about the placement of the paintings in the living room, or finding the right kind of mop to handle the shitty tile in the kitchen.   I can just move, and fantasize on my runs that I will never get new problems, and never grow tired of the new place.

I might sound a little defeated, but I'm honestly just overwhelmed.  A few weeks ago I was throwing myself into a gym schedule and planning collaborations to make my next year at Moon Lake even more successful; now I'm scrambling for produce boxes at Publix and reading up on Martha Stewart's moving tips.  Once the dust settles, and I'm tucked in the woods with a cozy little haven for entertaining my long-lost college friends, I'll be much more cheerful.  For now, I'm subsiding on yoga mantras and daydreams, packing on autopilot.  Be home soon!

If I blog about nothing else, I'm going to blog about the yummy food I've had so far on this trip.

We got into Manchester at 11:30 and happily hugged Ben's dad and his brother Andrew.  The first night was so strange.  We immediately felt like we had come home.  We smiled like idiots and squeezed into Ben's childhood bed, just like old times.

Saturday we woke up and drove around Ipswich a little, under the guise of getting some Dunks.  It was very overcast and drizzly, and perfect.  I tried Toasted Almond coffee, and it's the only part of my journey so far that I haven't liked.  We went to the Liberty Tree Mall with Ben's mom and Andrew.  While the boys shopped for DVDs, Ben's mom and I had lunch in Panera and talked about family and boys and ma-in-law kinds of things.  I had a simple chicken noodle soup with a whole grain baguette, but the chai tea latte was the best part of the meal.

Afterwards, we took off for Leominster to meet up with Tony.  It was a quick drive and the GPS took us on some back roads.  Even in Mass, there are places we haven't seen yet.  We got to Tony's new place and saw him and Gina, and they happily accompanied us to Campus Pizza in Fitchburg.  Most people leave and never look back, but I danced around while my roast beef sub with tomatoes and provolone was being made.  It would have been better if Reuben made it, but even the sloppy ministrations of the grumpy lady with the leopard-print curves shirt was nostalgically delicious.  And how, exactly, do you follow up a sub with a 20-ounce soda from the pizza place of your formative years?  By heading to the dairy bar of your formative years, and dancing on John Fitch Highway, to the chagrin of your husband and slight amusement of you friends.  I had my mint patty fro yo with rainbow sprinkles, a miracle that I have been searching for for an entire year in the ice-cream capital of the world, Florida.  I could have turned around and gone back to Florida after those two magical foodie visits, but there were still people to see.

We got some drinks and headed to Somerville, where Mike Bird, Jeff Bartell, and Sam are now living.  They have a really nice apartment, and I got to see so many people.  We chatted and made plans for the future and realized how this should probably have been a part of our lives at least once and month for the past 8 months.  Ben was in his element telling stories and downing drinks and making Mike Bird fall down on the floor, which is one of his favorite things to do.  We stayed until around midnight, and headed back to Leominster.  A cozy futon later, it was breakfast time.  Mr. C's was just like old times, and I had two eggs, a corn muffin on the grill, and half a grapefruit.  Delish.  Hugs to Leominster friends, and we were back on the road.

Amherst was another quick drive with breath taking scenery.  There is nothing like driving around and checking out houses on the back roads of Massachusetts.  Once we made to the Umass campus (which is one of my favorite campuses ever) it was amazing to see Laurel and her room with a view.  We ended up spending the entire afternoon shopping in North Hampton.  Shops like Ten Thousand Villages, essentials, Faces, and the Cedar Chest Kids always make me envision homes and classrooms that belong in the pages of Dwell.  With restraint, I picked up some fair trade toys for my classroom, a mother's day gift for mom, and some cards with quotes that I liked.  More inspiration for the fridge.  North Hampton was a bit of a foodie's disappointment, because by the time my shopping spree was over, convincing Ben to sit down in the Toasted Owl for lunch was out of the question.  We made do with reheated slices from Pinocchio's, and then kissed Laurel and headed back to home base in Ipswich.

That was just 48 hours of time spent in Massachusetts, and already I feel more inspired, hopeful, and youthful than I've felt in months.  There's a whole week ahead of me, so I'll keep you updated.  :)

I'm writing to you from the Tampa International Airport.  After an uneventful check in and only one overheard blatant racist comment (Pilot to stewardess: "How long can it take to make a salad?  They lost the recipe for lettuce?!"  Stewardess, shuddering: "I just hope they're not all on the work release program."  Pilot, pointing at a black Quizno's employee: "Oh, I guarantee you they are!") we've been killing time watching old YouTube videos and laughing and loving.  Going back to Massachusetts makes me feel young and hopeful.  It lifts me out of my 22 exhausted years.  ;)

I'm excited for the food and the friends.  I want to eat at Al Dente's, The Cozy Corner, Mr. C's, Campus Pizza, and more.  I've been so homesick for my favorite eateries.  I also want to see all the old college film guys, and Jessie, and Kenny, and Adrienne, and TONY, and Vatche, and Gregg, and  hopefully some of my old professors.  I just want to be home, in my element, where Ben and I were the coziest and most comfortable.  I want to be in the land of Celtics and Patriots and Red Sox.  I want to complain about the cold and have wet jean hems be a major problem in my life again.  I want to teach low-key kindergarten and take day trips to farms  in Western Mass and be near the Eric Carle Museum in case he does another book signing.  I want to be home.

I'm going to try and blog a lot on this trip.  I want to remember the first time I was back since the first time I left.

March has been a month of whirlwind behaviors.  Now, at the end, things are slowing down, and it's just proving the old phrase true.

This month I experienced my first bout of teaching during FCAT, some major confrontations with coworkers, some major situations with Laurel, a visit from Jen and Chris, my friend Kristal had her new baby, and Ben and I started making some big decisions.  We're taking it slow, gathering information, and listening to ourselves as a couple for the first time in our lives.  I'm growing and starting my own family (mentally.  still no babies.) and it's important to plan for Ben and I first and foremost.

I am still going to Shapes, but I've been going back and forth with healthy eating.  It all depends on where the priorities are.  I could pay more attention to local and natural foods, or I could focus on the lowest possible calories and put lots of chemicals in my body.  The first option is winning right now, for several reasons. 

I feel like the obesity crisis has a direct correlation to the increase of low fat, low sugar, zero calorie food products on the market.  Prior to the obesity crisis, Americans ate things from their community and then lived a lifestyle that allowed them to burn the necessary calories through out the course of the day.  Yes, they may have had pancakes every morning and used a stick of butter per meal, but they also worked on farms, walked to school, played outside, scrubbed floors, hung laundry, and lived in a less convenient, more natural environment.  Also, the natural foods, local celebrations route allows me to try even harder to "keep it simple."  Eat sometimes, run sometimes, and try to get as much socialization out of my exercise as possible.

I'm getting back into my own skin, and I know why.

I humiliated myself in an aerobics class called Zumba today.  It's like a salsa, cha cha, workout class.  And I just don't hear the beat.  I'm sticking with cardio kick-boxing, pilates, and yogalates for the foreseeable future.  Still, I'm proud of myself.  I have gone to the gym everyday but one since I've joined, and the one day I missed was a gorgeous day on which I took a run around the lake.  So really, I'm sticking to the exercise thing, and even moving towards healthier eating.  The most hilarious part is my mood.  I have seriously not been so happy or upbeat for months and months.

Sarah was supposed to visit this weekend, but she came down sick.  This was sad, but gives me a chance to tackle the messy house that I was just going to make excuses for.  I also want to give Ben a little attention and see a movie with him, since our old weekly movie date is long gone.  We tried a so/so breakfast place and discovered an awesome thrift store this morning.  We're getting back into our old ways.

I'm going to clean and listen to music loud until Ben and I take off on route 19.  Then I'm going to get all my plans squared away for the terrifying FCAT week that is fast approaching.  I've got a list of goals for the day, I'm set.

Today I joined an all-women's gym with my mother for the second time in my life. 

I also took a cycling class in a blacklight-lit room, ate delicious Mexican food, and was given the gift of blank slate weekend.

Kickboxing at 8:30 might happen tomorrow.

I have been ALMOST defeated by this stupid  hacking cough.  It's probably the first time in my memory that a physical ailment has NOT been accompanied by low spirits or mental depression.  My spirits have been soaring all week, but this bronchial shit is exhausting.  Poor Ben has been faithfully giving me alka seltzer and rubbing my sore back nonstop.

I got to take a unified soccer team to the Special Olympics this week.  I have never been more exhausted and exhilarated in one day.  We lost both games, but we took a giant sign and excited children and everyone had an amazing time.  I know so much more about what I would bring and how I would prepare to make it an even better day for the kids.  I took some excellent pictures; I wish it was legal to show you all how cute and excited my babies were. Ben came for our last game, and most of my kids parents came to cheer at one time or another.  I was a part of something really special on Thursday.

I'm full of plans for this week.  I'm planning on moving some furniture in my classroom after school on Monday, and I need to go to Target to buy some baby presents.  I have a baby shower on Wednesday, and a big meeting on Thursday.  I plan on working on a collage that I've been batting around in my mind, and writing some letters, and baking some muffins.  I want to start jogging again, slowly.  I want to get a really good book to read, and subscribe to a couple of magazines that I've been meaning to read.  I have a dinner date with a work friend on Friday, and maybe a minigolf outting next weekend?

Friends are coming to visit, and I'm going to spruce up the house a little bit.  I'm feeling fulfilled and hopeful every single day.  Big things are happening this spring!  I also love the Old Spice Will Ferrel commercial.  Just in case you were thinking I was getting too hippy dippy.

PS PROJECT RUNWAY NEVER END!

I was laying the tub today, soaking in the bubbles, eating various chocolates from a large red heart, and I started laughing at Ashlie.  Ashlie was my name in college, when I used to do pilates on a purple mat that I kept neatly rolled in my little bedroom in our third floor walk up.  Ashlie bought organic milk and drove an hour on Sundays to buy produce from farmer's markets, or even farms themselves.  Ashlie trained for 5k charity runs, had several workout partners, and religiously logged her daily intake to track that she was hitting everything on the food pyramid.  Ashlie made collages, framed pictures, and scoured flea markets to find charming vintage tins and pottery to decorate with.  Ashlie was so cool.

I know exactly when Ashlie began turning back into Ashley.  The week before the wedding, when we were staying in the gorgeous house on Lake Champlain.  We were close to the oldest out of the 12 people there, and there were always ice cream sundaes and fresh baked cookies and decadent meals to celebrate the occasion.  I planned to jog daily, but it was too luxurious.  Mom was letting Ben and I share a bedroom prematurely and we were lazily waking to the sunrise and coffee on the back deck.  I tried to swim but it was cold.  And that was the beginning.  Bring on a month of travel and stressful job/house hunting.  Then the honeymoon.  It started as a slow spiral, and before I knew it, I was buying produce from Walmart.  From Walmart.  Back to Lean Cuisine and Diet Coke and taking Tylenol on a whim.  Chemicals?  What?  At work they don't know about the way I've spelled my name since 8th grade.  They call me Ashley.

I need to spend a Lilljequist week.  She was teacher inspiration mixed with hippie ecofest and I loved her glow.  She radiated to me.  I'll think of her and get back on track.  I'm starting by doing my FAVORITE thing and baking banana bread. 

Tomorrow morning is the Special Olympics, and I get to take a unified soccer team with my inclusion class!  I love it so so much and I can't wait.  It's hard to explain to the rest of my class why they can't go, so I'm trying to give them a few treats during their time with the sub tomorrow.  Just simplify.

I want to write about how Ben and I spent the weekend in Ft Myers and the crazy weird nights we've been having lately, but I need to get some work done in time to enjoy PROJECT RUNWAY which is the love of my life.  The fact that Biggest Loser will undoubtedly drag on forever with tears, farts, and constipated faces from Jillian Michaels, while Tim Gunn's presence in my life is coming to an end, is a tragedy.

I'm about to stun you all with my incredible rollercoaster of emotions.  A mere week after my last desperate post, everything has changed.  Not forever, not in a tangible way, but things feel different.  That storm or rut or whatever- it broke.  A lot of it was going to Georgia to see Sarah.  It was so wonderful to see her and to spend time with a like soul.  Bacon is the cutest.  Sarah has a lot more stack against her than I do.  But instead of thinking about all the things she has every right to feel sorry for herself about, she's out in the world, learning how to cook new recipies, sewing, dropping 15-20 pounds, running a 5K.  She snapped me out of it.  She took me to a piano bar called Savannah Smiles and it was literally the most fun evening out that I have ever had.  It saved me.

The rest of this week was wonderful.  There were hard parts and times when I didn't really work to the fullest of my potential, but that was okay.  It was all right to just take it easy.  I brought a lot of stuff home this weekend, and did some stupid stuff like cleaning out my filing cabinet and moving some stuff in my classroom.  Those kinds of things always make me feel better.

I got my first card that said "wife" and it's on my desk.  Ben and I went to dinner at this little place called Stassi's that COMPLETELY reminds me of Al Dente's and talked about all the things we want to do when we go to Mass in April.  Then we went to Books A Million and Ben bought me the latest Real Simple magazine.  I need to get a subscription, because that magazine is so beautiful and grown and I love it.

Now I'm couching it with Ben, struggling to think through a glass of champange while trying to type this out, plan for the school week, and check out some new blogs.  I'm in a planning mood. 

Oh my gosh life is so much different than I thought it would be.  I'm realizing that I forgot to visualize life after September 07, and that is why it has taken me so long to realize I'm off track.

This is just a snippet of my school life.  I can't put into words how much I love each and every one of my 23 students.  They are my joy.  But there are so many daily emergencies, inadequacies, exhaustions, procrastinations, social gaffes, and reminders of my inexperience that I feel like I am drowning, and my love of these kids in my only raft.  It's not fair to use them to keep me afloat.

Ben is a lighthouse for me.  Strong, there when I need him, gone when I need alone time, full of affirmations that I am great, consolations when I am upset.  But he said something very simply the other night that hadn't occured to me.  "You haven't had control of yourself for about a month, and you haven't been happy for at least three."

What?!?  Not HAPPY?!?!  But I have a working car, a great career, a loving husband, and cash to spend.  There's more than that?  I have no patience for the intellectual plight of the basically fulfilled.  I never have.  I really couldn't care less if your status symbols aren't making you happy- if you're fed and not struggling then I can't worry about your well being.  I've always felt that way about book characters, people around me, subjects of songs.  Fuck your gender revolution; your artistic expression.  Just put food on the table, be grateful for 4 wheels and an engine.

So what gives?  I can cryptically say "something's missing" all day, but no missing piece emerges.  I have NEVER had to work so very hard at being happy.  I am exhausted, I am like a wrung out sponge, I am sad, prone to tears.  Not even food is perking me up.  I have no motivation for exercise, for my collages, for all the new books I am dying to read.  I barely even check my silly networking pages anymore.  I fall alseep before I can even start thinking about sex.  I can't return phone calls.  I can't even get excited about iced coffee.  All my simple pleasures are gone and I feel like a Cymbalta commercial or a stupid Oprah's book club book because I have everything I was fucking working so fucking hard for and I'VE NOT FELT SO EMPTY FOR YEARS.

So yeah.  That's me recently.  Poor Ben, huh?

Ben and I got to use our Christmas present of Celtics tickets today!  It was completely awesome- the drive to Orlando, the Amway Arena, the game so tense and close that it was even okay when we lost.  Like everything nice here, it just made me even more homesick for Boston.  That's just a part of life now.

On the two-hour drive to the arena, the GPS took us mainly on little back roads.  We saw some creepy little hillshaveeyes towns, and some really quaint suburbs.  We talked about the probable fact that we were created by aliens, proven by the fact that we have huge brains and only use about 15% of them.  THEY HAVE A CAP ON US!

The Amway Arena (which can only be found on a GPS under the name TD WATERHOUSE CENTRE) was a really cool.  The seating was easy to find, and there was a good view from all sections.  It wasn't like going to a Devil Rays game, where the Red Sox fans make such a strong showing that you feel like you could be at a home game.  The Magic fans where fierce and we were surrounded, but the sprinkling of green through out the crowd was comforting.  The game was really close, with the Celtics down by 15 at one point, before turning it around.  A 3-pointer by Ray Allen tied it up with 14 seconds to go, and then Turkaloo (I have no clue how to spell his crazy name) got a 3-pointer AT THE BUZZER to pull ahead and win.  It was the most exciting sports game I've ever been to, and plan on making it a habit now.

The Amway Arena goes ALL OUT.  IT was more like seeing a circus then a basketball game.  There were two pyrotechnics displays, four performances by the cheerleaders, a performance by the Orlando ballet, a performance by a senior citizens line dancing group called The Silver Stars, and more contests for Disney tickets than I could count.  There were free thundersticks on about 1000 random seats through the stadium.  There was a mascot who was LOWERED FROM THE CEILING at the beginning of the game, and climbed a rope ladder to the catwalk at one point.  In his mascot costume.  He looked like a neon, ticked out green monster.  He was pretty lame.  But he also slid down an entire staircase in the stands on his stomach.  He worked hard.

We came home and rested.  I made a CD of indie-ish songs because that new Mac Air commercial had me craving those catchy, charming tunes from college.  Ben and I giggled and jumped on the bed and were ridiculous.  I love him and the way he handles my mood swings.  Now it's bout 6:15 and I've been up for two hours finishing my grading and I'm already getting that pit in my stomach about school and Monday and hoping that each kid is okay and that my writing samples are right and blah blah blah.  I have two interviews at local restaurants today.  I want some cash, I want some diversion, and I want to talk to people who aren't 6 and/or know me well enough to know that the sweet girl thing is just a survival mechanism.

I'm a you soul in this very strange world hoping.

Seriously, that took 3 cuts!  I wanted to create some kind of questionnaire that people could just quickly fill out and we could all compare each other's years and talk about how crazy we all were in different ways. But no amount of questions can rationalize the way this year has gone for me.  This year was a trial and treasure.  I wrote too much.

 

I wish I wrote more. I know how valuable these entries will be to me when I'm struggling with juggling family life, or when I'm celebrating 10 years of being a teacher. I need to be recording how hard it is to stay cheery after 2:30 in the afternoon, how much better my day is if I get to the classroom by 7:30, or how a day of the worst behavior I have ever seen can be explained by the heartbreaking sentence, "My daddy got home from jail last night." I go through phases of thinking I've got the whole thing down, just to be get knocked with a punch of messing up a batch of paperwork or teaching my reading groups the wrong way. Teaching school is really hard.

Right now, though, I am still coming down off the sugar high from our holiday party yesterday. Yes, I ate just as much as the little babies, between the staff cookie exchange, the endless gifts of chocolate and cupcakes from the kids, and the all-out sugar throw down that started at 2:30 and lasted right to the very last moment. I got gifts that were thoughtfully picked out by parents, and the sweetest collection of recycled toys that were wrapped in shoe boxes and old powder containers. I gave hugs all day, and brought Emily and Julianna in to meet my babies and help me. I was thrilled to have them, the kids were thrilled to have them, and they had a really good time. My sisters are my life.

Here is my suggestion to you. If you haven't done this already, please pick up Entertainment Weekly's Best&Worst of 2007. I'm not always up on the latest in pop culture; I probably fall right into the 50th percentile as far as being in the know is concerned. I mostly know what books and movies are well-accepted, and I religiously steal week-old issues of US Weekly from my mom's recycling bin. Still, this year-end recap is so fun! I loved remembering each shocking celebrity moment, and my heart swelled to see "Umbrella" at the top of the singles of the year list. I'll always remembering singing it at the top of my lungs at a certain lakehouse in Vermont, with two days of single life left. The tribute to Harry Potter made me smile. I also got some good book reccomendations. The two that really intrigued me were The Post-Birthday World and Last Night at the Lobster. What could be better than an emotional story about a failing eatery?

Today is Ben's birthday, and it's a happy day. We're running errands, buying an exercise bike, and eating tacos with my sisters. Laurel is coming home, and we're going to see a late show of Sweeney Todd. Because of the joy, I don't want to share the story of the lost engagment ring and the ensuing panic, disappointment, and depression. I'll get there later. For now, Merry Christmas, and I love you!

(We need to start some sort of meme or survey where we can share our tops of 2007. Someone help me create this. I have some free time on my hands and I'm pumped.)

I want to post more substantially about the pleasures and struggles in my life that revolve around the holiday season, and tell you about the family exploits, and my cute cat and handsome husband, but I only have a moment (I'm supposed to be in the shower already).

I discovered a site this morning called Etsy (www.etsy.com). This might not be news to many people, but it's news to me. This crisp, clean site is a forum for people to sell art and handmade crafts in a public environment. I adore the art I've seen so far, the reasonable prices on most of the items that interest me, and the idea. Handmade, a lot of it recycled, GORGEOUS conceptual gifts. If you haven't already finished the Christmas shopping (some of us got carried away in November. Blame the inability to read the seasons) I challenge to try and buy at least some of your gifts off Etsy.com. I think it's such a cool site and I want to support it as much as possible!

Happy Holidays,and if you live up in the Northeast, and you're dealing with that blizzard- HA! I mean, be safe, I love you.

Thank you to everyone who responded to my plea for advice. The performance ideas are really good, and it's something I've really been considering. I also went to Michael's and bought some supplies for the collages that I used to make. I think a combination of some better health (weird stuff is going on with my body) and creative projects well help me feel a lot better.

I have a beautiful inservice day today! I think another thing that has been keeping me down is my lack of TO DO LISTS! I can't live without them.

1. Make a doctor's appointment
2. Online banking
3. Organize my school supplies and make plannning binders
4. Lesson plans for next week
5. Weed and clean the back patio
6. Thank you notes for birthday gifts
7. Exercise (swim, walk, or water's edge gym)
8. Late lunch at Panera
9. Visit with Mama
10. Be home when Ben gets home; night out at Clearwater Pier?

I've got a plan.

I only have about 70 percent of my normal energy and love for life right now. Work is going okay, always overwhelming but I love my kids. I love getting to see Ben at the end of the day, and we've been spending a lot of time with Mom and Ray and the girls. I talk to Laurel on the phone a lot. I watch lots of baseball. I've been finding more furniture for the house and it's starting to look like a real first place. But I'm not where I was last year.

I keep thinking about when I was in my second placement of student teaching. I was with Mrs. Lilljequist and I learned so much about living a balanced life and walking in the woods and being a kind and fair teacher. I did student teaching, worked in the library, worked at the diner, did the Walk for Hunger, threw parties, spent time with friends, saw plays, planned a wedding, went to the gym regularly, and had tons of energy. Right now, I work from 7:30 to 5ish and that's all I've got. I barely have strength to cook and flop on the couch. What is it? Is it that I'm not being stretched creatively? Do I need more art? More exercise? New challenges? The answer to all of those questions is YES.

I'm also a little lonely. I love Ben more than words can say, and we have a lot of fun laughing and having adventures in Florida. My sisters and I spend every Sunday going to the gym and goofing off. But there is no kareoke, no nights at the bar just kicking back, no Monday afternoon coffee runs, no Friday night treks into the city to see plays. My mentor invited me to order lunch with her teaching team on Thursday planning day, and I thought "Wow, it might be like having friends."

I am INBETWEEN. I am not a student anymore. I am married, I have a retirement plan, I have car payments and rent payments and a career. But I am not a part of the grown-up ladies club, either. The teachers at school have to restrain themselves from talking to me like a child at times. I'm too young to really relate to anyone. My mom tries to invite me to things like jewelry parties or ladies nights, but everyone is kind of awkward about me being there, and I always feel like an imposter. I'm stuck, and my friends are at home.

Give me some suggestions. What are some things I can do to throw myself into projects or situations that will lift this funk? As of now I'm just waiting for November when the family comes to see Laurel's play. But what after that?